Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
