if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
