dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
