There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
