well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
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