My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
