the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
