We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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