do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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