There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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