There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
