Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
