I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
