I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
