What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I am one with the molecules
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
