I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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