awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
