There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
