just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
