Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
