Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
