no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
