I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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