hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
She announced her abortion via fbk
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
