pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
