Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
