The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
