I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
