So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
