my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm at about main and main street
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
