There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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