I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
