so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
