We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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