I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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