so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
