I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
