in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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