in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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