Your face is a jimmy john
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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