Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
