I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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