If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
