My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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