I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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