I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
