I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
