he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
