hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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