apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
