oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
